Carl's Quest II
by seinfelder617
Summary: Six months after saving the world, Carl finds himself in a position of power. But will he have what it takes to stay on top, or will he be dethroned by a new king of confidence?
1. EPISODE ONE: THE HIGH LIFE

EPISODE ONE: THE HIGH LIFE

There I was, sitting in my personalized Red Lobster, with a fist full of fish and a grin on my fat fucking face. This time however, was not like the hundreds of other times I had stuffed my gut. This time, I was sitting eye to eye with the president of the United States.

"Boy, you sure like to eat, Carl." said President Obama, raising his eyebrow with a hearty chuckle.

"You bet your fucking pimply ass I do!" said me, gorging myself blind.

"After all, I like fish tits, cuz imma fish bitch."

"Well, you know, Carl, everyone really appreciates what you did back there. Not only for America, but for the world."

"Uh, yeah? No shit, prez."

"This is a uh… Really nice place you've got here Carl. Thanks for inviting me to the uh… Grand opening."

"Yeah."

There was a long pause as we both chewed our meals. My eyes were closed as I bathed in the euphoric taste of my lob, but I felt another emotion in the room with us. Something of importance.

"Mm. Don't you think Carl… Maybe it's uhh… time to do your next good deed?"

"What would I do that for? I've got yacht full of cash and all the popcorn shrimp I can fit under my belt! I'm not working another fucking day in my life."

He shook his head and laughed.

"Carl, what you did was truly mm… magnificent, but it was also… six months ago. Time moves quickly these days, you see? You've gotta keep up with it. You know. MMStay relevant?"

"Okay, I read you, but what's the plan? I'm always up for basking in the limelight but I don't really have any idea what to fucking do at this point. I mean, with my long lost Seiny-poo gone for good and all."

He let out a sigh and closed his eyes. I couldn't even of guessed what came next;

"Carl. I'm gonna level with you here… I'm old, okay? No one likes me anymore. I'm a tepid sack. An arid bag."

"I'm listening." I said, could this old geezer say what I think he's about to say?

"I need _you_ to carry on my legacy for the USA. You saved the world from darkness Carl, now it's time to lead it back to the light."

"That sounds fucking stupid." I pointed at the door and looked my bodyguards dead in their eyes. I snapped my fingers and pointed towards the door.

"Get."

The guards (dressed in blue dress shirts and black vests) picked Obama up full-nelson style began dragging him out of my sight.

"Mark my word's! You'll be crawling back to me!"

Yeah. Whatever old man. He was then thrown out into the parking lot and stormed off to his puny Air Force One.

I walked to the elevator and pressed the golden button. I needed to unwind in my penthouse suite and gaze upon my beautiful city: Sacramento.

The small elevator shot up 616 floors, and I had a few minutes to revel in my success. Man… I really was living large here. After the great sein-wave breakdown of '14, the nation fucking glorified me. Money was shitting in by the buttloads. My life of luxury had begun and it was all mine for the taking. I had a tall-ass tower in downtown Sac made in my honor and a cold martini in my hand. This was my first time going to the tip-top, and I was about to take in my big view.

When the elevator door opened, countless butlers and maids started sucking my hole, asking me if I wanted a hot coffee enema and refilling my glass over and over again. I was flattered, but my ass was clean, and I was also having none of it today.

"OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY; FUCKING MOVE! LET ME ENJOY MY FUCKING VIEW IN PEACE."

I unsheathed my iron greatsword and started waving it at the now scattering mob of lowlife suckers.

Finally, time to look out my huge window.

I slithered over to the edge and boy, was I taken back. The view was magnificent. The stars were vibrant, the streets were busy, yet removed and quaint. It was perfect. The only thing that could've made it better was- _what the fuck is that?_ Another building? Taller than mine? On MY horizon? Who fucking DARES?

As I looked out into the distance, the name slipped my lip. My plump lump bubba gump lippie lous. As the new word began to tumble from my teeth, I noted a significantly greasy, foul, nasty aftertaste. Finally, after fucking eons of trying to sound out this really hard word, I heard it echo through my empty 616 story halls. _**Trump**_.


	2. EPISODE TWO: THE FUCKER

When I saw this black sacrament bull fucking shit in front of me, my jaw hit the tile, splitting it down mid. I was ready to swing my meat. I squelched at the top of my liver and smashed the large large pane of glass I'd been peering at/through. I dove out of the building and free fell back to Earth with pure hatred in my eyes.

" _I'M GONNA KILL YOU. I'M GONNA_ ** _KILL YOU_** _."_

Several seconds had passed, which was too long for me, and by this time I'd at least descended 300 floors. This shit isn't fast enough, so I kicked in my superpowers and shot down like a fucking bullet and landed in my signature one-fist-touching-the-ground-and-crouching position. The concrete caved-in and created a perfectly symmetrical circle around my stinky smelly aura. Time to cool down, I don't want to ruin my image here, I've got a rep to protect. I turned back into a "normal" human being and sprinted over to the front door of this fucking "Trump Tower". God, what an absolute eyesore.

I push-shoved my way through the front door and called out to whomever was listening:

"Who the fuck is in charge here? Huh? I want to see his ass front and center so I can RAM IT IN." which, on second thought, sounded really gay but hey, I was really gay.

"Um… Can I help you sir?" mumbled some schmuck from his hoytie toytie high horse desk.

"Yeah, you can help me. You will help me right fucking now, actually" I said, stomping towards him.

"Sir… Are you okay? SIR?"

I planted myself firmly in front of his desk, and ripped it from the ground using my robot arm and non robot arm (which were now equally as strong).

He was on the ground now. The scrawny little fuck had fallen out of his chair, and the desk was high above my head.

"YOU WANT THIS SHIT BETWEEN YOUR TEETH BITCH?" I said, showing him the bottom of my gum-stained shoe.

"No! Please!"

"Then you're going to set me up with your owner, so I can have a FUCKING WORD WITH HIM!"

"Alright, alright, please!" He begged.

"I'll call the lift right now, just don't hurt me okay?"

He scampered over to a keypad behind him, and punched in a quick code, which I memorized like a champ. I heard a small ding from over by the elevator, which was my cue.

I thrusted the desk down as hard as I physically could, and with the help of gravity, I splattered this petty fucker's brains clean onto these ugly floorboards like a plump grape.

I stomped over to the lift, and checked my watch. Hmm… I don't have time for this bullshit.

I enabled my god powers again, and sprinted HARD up the stairs.

I really underestimated how long that would take, even with powers, but after six hundred and seventeen flights of stairs x2, I was there, at the top of the pop of the hip of the hop. I heartily placed my feet and began running down every hall. This place was fucking huge (but mine was probably like, way huger).

I yelled HARD "HEY, YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREVER YOU KNOW. COME OUT NOW AND I MIGHT LET YOU GO WITH YOUR COCK INTACT."

And just like that, here he came, spiced up in a big monkey suit and an obnoxious red necktie.

"I'm the owner of this building, and somehow I expected you being here." He said powerfully, althoughly subtly obnoxiously.

"Do you have something to say about that, runt? Or would you rather go about your little boy business."

"Yeah, bitch, I have a problem. Your ugly ass tower. It's blocking my perfect view of the city. A view that _I_ earned and _you_ didn't." I said modestly. I'm not scared of this dolled up dofus. I could kill him, and anyone else for that matter, with one fucking strike.

"Um… Who are you exactly?" said Donald in a smug tone, squinting his orange lids and grinning at me.

That was it. I had had it with this smartass.

"I'm CARL FUCKING WHEEZER and you know it. I'm the one who saved the planet. Remember that one, geezer? You're welcome, by the way, you ungrateful slime."

He just stared at me for a long time, clearly plotting his next move. It felt like seconds went by until he made a suspicious looking grin, like he knew some shit I didn't. He began chuckling.

"What's so funny, asswipe?"

He kept grinning, not saying a word.

"WHAT? WHAT? WHAT IS IT? WHAT? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW! FUCK!"

"Thats just the thing Carl, you don't know. You don't know how deep you've just gotten yourself, and you don't know how foolish you sound, but most of all, you don't know who you've just fucked with and how powerful he is, little Carl Wheezer."

He pointed at the door and his posse picked me up by my charmin ultra-soft ass.

"Youre going to regret ruining my floors Carl, you really are." he smiled.

The guards carried me over to the elevator.

"Wait…" Said Trump.

"Dont throw him out there…"

He opened a window, and pointed.

"Throw him out here."

He began laughing maniacally as his cowardly guards ran forward and flung me out. Wow, who does that anyway? What a dick.

As I was falling again, I took a second to consider my options, and I decided my best course of action was to do what I always do; kill. On the way down I decided it was time for a shot of scotch. My lush, boozed up feeling was beginning to wear off and I needed to set myself straight, so I literally retrieved a half empty bottle from the crack of my ass and finished it off. After capping off the empty jug and throwing it through one of the Trump Tower windows, I bonked right into the ground at terminal velocity, which barely phased me because well… I'm me.

I picked myself back up, and wandered over to my building, which was literally right next door to my new arch nemesis (how convenient). I greeted my doorman as I usually do, with a nice knuckle sandwich.

After a long ride up the lift, I was in the 616th floor of my (infinitely better) skyscraper. I walked into my High Roller's Lounge let out two claps and on came the TV. Fox News. Sweet, my all time favorite news network. They always tell it like it really is!

I went to the kitchen and made myself another drink, letting my totally not just mindless entertainment runn o)))ff in the background.

After filling up and then downing 20 consecutive mason jars of melonade, I then juggled back into the main room and sat down in my handcrafted French Heritage loveseat and let the news stimulate my extremely intelligent mind.

Ah! The O'reilly factor! My fave! Man, I thought I was in for a treat, but instead what I saw made me choke on my own toxic spit. It was that clown from across the street, Johnny Chump or whatever, and he was talking to _my_ favorite guy on the tele! The ticker read something unexpected, and absolutely fucking incorrect; " _DONALD TRUMP: REAL DEFENDER OF EARTH?"_

You've got to be kidding me. I continued to listen, extending my funny ears towards the speakers while sitting perfectly still so I could tune into this fucker, who was skyping my man Billy O live on the spot. What I heard pissed me off almost more than when I don't get my way:

"So Donald, these are some pretty wild claims you're making here, huh? The American public was led to believe that it was that Carl Wheezer guy who defeated the huge head thing back in 2014, correct? And now you're saying it was you, yeah? Thats a pretty big assertion. So what do you have to back it all up?" said Bill O'reilly. His gobble was flapping with every consonant, as per usual. I loved that. It gets me going.

"Well yes, Bill, it's all true. I was the one who defended our great nation from destruction. I just fled the scene before anyone could credit me for my beyond-the-call of duty actions. Then, when the dust settled, along came this 'Carl Wheezer' freakshow who took all the fame. Had anybody even HEARD of this guy before now? I mean come on, you're kidding!"

They shared a chuckle and buckle, and Donald was wiping his forehead. I could tell exactly what this fucker was trying to do. He was trying to ruin my rep… Maybe Barack was right after all…

"Now, me being the humble man I am, I just rolled with it, you know? I mean, I already have _nine billion dollars_ to my name, why not let someone else enjoy the fruits of wealth and limelight on my behalf? However, I can no longer keep this secret because the time has come for me to rise to power, and I really want to show the public how amazing I am. I just felt that the American people deserved to know who the real war hero is here."

Wow. Nice fucking speech Donald Dunk, but no one tries to steal my fame, and no one tries to taint my well earned prestige. I will not have this.

I was thinking up all sorts of violent ways I could deal with this situation when I heard O'reilly mutter some buzzwords that would influence my master plan:

"So Donald, how do you think this groundbreaking confession is going to affect your standings in the presidential polls?"

"Well Bill, I think it's going to shoot my percentages through the roof and into space. I mean, who wouldn't want an amazing guy like me anyways? I saved the whole entire planet and yet I'm a regular guy just like all those folks watching at home."

That's it. That's my ticket. I'm gonna beat this motherfucker to the GROUND in these polls, whatever the fuck that even means.

I'm gonna become president of the United States, and I'm gonna rule the goddamn world. But most importantly, I'm gonna do everyone a favor and remove his piece of shit building from the Sacramento skyline so I can enjoy my view. If he thinks he can overshadow my accomplishments, I'll crush his dreams. It's a perfect plan, and I'm really tired.


End file.
